So I’m pregnant again, which means I get to eat for two! Yay! But according to the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” site, I need to think again: “That whole eating-for-two thing? A big misconception. If you’re starting your pregnancy at a healthy weight, you need to eat only 300 extra calories a day — that’s about a cup of low-fat Greek yogurt and a whole-wheat English muffin.” But what if I’m in the mood for a snack that’s a little heartier than what a 90-year old woman eats for lunch? No problem, says WtE: “It’s totally fine if you want something sweet with your (decaf *) coffee, but instead of making a Dunkin’ Donuts run, consider munching on a low-fat muffin instead.” Yum, great advice from 1992 guys! Should I crack open a pack of Snackwells later? Wash it all down with some sugar-free Snapple? What if I want, you know, real food? They’ve got me covered there, too: “If the smell of chocolate is haunting your dreams, make sure the health of your baby-to-be stays in the picture — literally. Put cute baby pictures wherever you may need to fight off that crazy urge to go on a snack spree. If you’re a drive-through junkie, stick a photo on your dashboard.” Cool guys! What a great tip! Oooh, my belly’s a-rumblin’ as we speak–better go stave off that craving by staring at a picture of the ENTIRE HUMAN BEING THAT I AM LITERALLY MAKING WITH MY BODY. That’s sure to work.
Ugh, what a crock of s%&t. Their whole section on food is a wasteland of advice that I truly believe might have been copied and pasted directly from a weight-loss website hosted on Geocities. They try to temper their absolutely insane eating plan with perky, exclamation-point peppered asides like “If you’re still hungry after eating your baked boneless, skinless chicken breast and leafy green salad (low-fat dressing on the side, of course!), go ahead, have a little extra! We suggest a piece of whole-grain toast (skip that butter, though!)!” What fun, WtE! What a great ride! NOW GIVE ME MY F^&*ING CRULLERS.
Day-NUH, I know you requested a break down of my eating habits, and not a rant about the last slide show I hate-clicked my way through on a pregnancy website. So here goes:
Breakfast (6-7ish am): 1 mug black coffee (actual coffee with actual caffeine) with sugar, a double serving of Cheerios and blueberries with milk
Second breakfast (9-10 am): an entire sleeve of whatever crackers are in the house**
Lunch (11 am): four pieces of toasted bread with butter (actual butter with actual butterfat) and peanut butter, a handful of baby carrots, a nectarine
Second lunch (2-3 pm): If I’m feeling virtuous: some full-fat plain yogurt with jam mixed in. If I’m desperate to get food down my gullet (which is most afternoons): some peanut M&Ms or tortilla chips
Tonight’s Supper (4-5ish pm): four pieces of onion and garlic pizza, some roasted broccoli
Night Snack (7-8ish pm): the remainder of the M&M’s*** or four popsicles or whatever baked good I might have made that day
If it weren’t pizza night, I’d probably eat a meal with some more vegetables. I’ve been really enjoying lentil and greens soup with garlic bread lately.
So there you have it, my typical day’s food intake plus a healthy dose of rage against a website, which, if I’m being honest, is an easy target. I’m pretty sure no one takes “What to Expect” seriously any more.
*Thanks for the reminder a**hole
**If this step is skipped I will either throw up or end up eating lunch at 10:30
***From the biggish sized bag. The size that you get out of a vending machine would make me panic about not getting enough.