What’s Expected When You’re Expecting: Food Edition

So I’m pregnant again, which means I get to eat for two! Yay! But according to the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” site, I need to think again: “That whole eating-for-two thing? A big misconception. If you’re starting your pregnancy at a healthy weight, you need to eat only 300 extra calories a day — that’s about a cup of low-fat Greek yogurt and a whole-wheat English muffin.” But what if I’m in the mood for a snack that’s a little heartier than what a 90-year old woman eats for lunch? No problem, says WtE: “It’s totally fine if you want something sweet with your (decaf *) coffee, but instead of making a Dunkin’ Donuts run, consider munching on a low-fat muffin instead.” Yum, great advice from 1992 guys! Should I crack open a pack of Snackwells later? Wash it all down with some sugar-free Snapple? What if I want, you know, real food? They’ve got me covered there, too: “If the smell of chocolate is haunting your dreams, make sure the health of your baby-to-be stays in the picture — literally. Put cute baby pictures wherever you may need to fight off that crazy urge to go on a snack spree. If you’re a drive-through junkie, stick a photo on your dashboard.” Cool guys! What a great tip! Oooh, my belly’s a-rumblin’ as we speak–better go stave off that craving by staring at a picture of the ENTIRE HUMAN BEING THAT I AM LITERALLY MAKING WITH MY BODY. That’s sure to work.

Ugh, what a crock of s%&t. Their whole section on food is a wasteland of advice that I truly believe might have been copied and pasted directly from a weight-loss website hosted on Geocities. They try to temper their absolutely insane eating plan with perky, exclamation-point peppered asides like “If you’re still hungry after eating your baked boneless, skinless chicken breast and leafy green salad (low-fat dressing on the side, of course!), go ahead, have a little extra! We suggest a piece of whole-grain toast (skip that butter, though!)!” What fun, WtE! What a great ride! NOW GIVE ME MY F^&*ING CRULLERS.

Day-NUH, I know you requested a break down of my eating habits, and not a rant about the last slide show I hate-clicked my way through on a pregnancy website. So here goes:

Breakfast (6-7ish am): 1 mug black coffee (actual coffee with actual caffeine) with sugar, a double serving of Cheerios and blueberries with milk

Second breakfast (9-10 am): an entire sleeve of whatever crackers are in the house**

Lunch (11 am): four pieces of toasted bread with butter (actual butter with actual butterfat) and peanut butter,  a handful of baby carrots, a nectarine

Second lunch (2-3 pm): If I’m feeling virtuous: some full-fat plain yogurt with jam mixed in. If I’m desperate to get food down my gullet (which is most afternoons): some peanut M&Ms or tortilla chips

Tonight’s Supper (4-5ish pm): four pieces of onion and garlic pizza, some roasted broccoli

Night Snack (7-8ish pm): the remainder of the M&M’s*** or four popsicles or whatever baked good I might have made that day

If it weren’t pizza night, I’d probably eat a meal with some more vegetables. I’ve been really enjoying lentil and greens soup with garlic bread lately.

So there you have it, my typical day’s food intake plus a healthy dose of rage against a website, which, if I’m being honest, is an easy target. I’m pretty sure no one takes “What to Expect” seriously any more.





*Thanks for the reminder a**hole

**If this step is skipped I will either throw up or end up eating lunch at 10:30

***From the biggish sized bag. The size that you get out of a vending machine would make me panic about not getting enough.

3 thoughts on “What’s Expected When You’re Expecting: Food Edition

  1. What!!! only 300 calories more?! I have so many questions. Coffee is in again? Why does eating help stave off barfing? How is the baby supposed to survive on 300 calories? Tell me oh Pregnant Oracle?

  2. So you’re allowed to have 200mg of caffeine a day, which is roughly equivalent to what’s in a small coffee shop cup. I figure my homebrew is probably a little less, so I’m drinking coffee this time around. And yes, just 300 extra calories. I’m sure some women do just fine with that much “extra.” However, as you well know, I often eat for two when I am not pregnant, and I have a feeling my offspring has inherited my enormous appetite. And honestly, this time around, I really don’t care all that much if I gain more than what the medical community has deemed healthy.

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