The TV of 2013

People often ask me what TV I watch, which confuses me, because me first instinct is to say, “all the TV.” But that’s not really true, in 2013 I watched:
The Good Wife
Orange is the New Black
Call the Midwife
Breaking Bad
Bunheads
Mad Men
Scandal
Nashville
Rectified
Enlightened
Orphan Black
Princesses: Long Island
Girls
Masters of Sex
Homeland
Top of the Lake
Awkward
Key and Peele
Parks and Recreation
Game of Thrones
Community
Brooklyn 99
House of Cards
The Mindy Project
Project Runway
Real Housewives of NYC & Beverly Hills
Maron
Louie
Downton Abbey
Sherlock
Cougar Town
Parenthood
The Hour

I gave up on:
The Walking Dead
The New Girl
Under the Dome
Almost Human
Agents of Shield
Don’t Trust the B*$# in Apt. 2
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My top 10 list of 2013 is:
1. Bunheads (RIP)
2. Game of Thrones
3. Mad Men
4. Enlightened
5. Orange is the New Black
6. Scandal
7. The Good Wife
8. Top of the Lake
9. Girls
10. Orphan Black

And the thing is, I’m embarrassed to say my master list does not even include some of the most excellent shows of 2013 (or at least that’s what good people are saying):
Broadchurch
Bob’s Burgers
American Horror Story
The Americans
The Fall
The Returned
Borgen
Hannibal
Trophy Wife

So, my resolution for 2014: Watch more TV! After all, Mathew McConaughey is coming to my small screen. It is time to dig deep and find more space in my schedule for the most important medium of our time.

I will read this woman’s book of essays when she writes it and pay $30 for the privilege of hardback

Best Beauty of 2014

1. Clinique Chubby Sticks The lip and the eye ones are easy to apply, non-drying, and fade out to an appealing natural looking stain as they wear.

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2. Elf Complexion brush, it costs $3, is better than my $20 brush

3. Gel Foundation. I got married this year and thus was treated to the most EXPENSIVE makeup I will ever own. One of the blessings involved in this was the purchase of Chantecaille “Future Skin” foundation. Lessons learned from this experience: if you are going to spend a ton of money on bit of makeup make it foundation, you are probably a lighter shade than you think you are (an old Lisa Eldridge trick), and if you have dry skin a1) fix your skin first (because no foundation is going to look good until you do), b2) try gel foundation. Gel foundations are kind of new and do not immediately sink into your skin, but are also not heavy and goopy. The cheap one that got me hooked is the Bourjois Healthy Mix foundation (it is only sold through European stores online). The expensive ones include Chantecaille and Marc Jacob’s new foundation.

4. Real Techniques Expert Face Brush (or Buffing, or Stippling brush)–for applying foundation. Stop trying to use those stupid small foundation brushes, or winging it with your fingers. This cuts your application time in half, and looks 100% better. This lady will show you how.

5. Highlighter–This is actually the only makeup you need in life, because it makes you look like you are on TV! Apply it to the top of your cheek bones.

to look healthy: Buxum Luminous Goddess or Becca Shimmering Skin Perfecter

to look like a Korean pop star: Benefit Watts Up or NARS Copacabana

6. The NEW Clinique Dramatically Different + Just like the cream that my mom has used forever, with a bit more heavyness to an already uber heavy cream. It has mineral oil it it, but that is a GOOD thing because it is like vasaline and protects me from the icy winds of death that now haunt my city.

7. Beauty videos on Youtube! Behold the sometimes fragile, often vacant, always terrifying beauty of humanity.

These heartbreaking and brave achievements of self-construction will make you tremble with fear. Who are these 18 year olds who allow us to witness their process of citation, identification and fabrication? They are a super human breed that we olds will never fully understand because we are filled with too much shame to test-drive lip gloss in front of the world.

Beauty and Fashion Blogs

I loved when the magazine Lucky was launched because it cut to the chase and just said “here is a product that we are being paid to show you, maybe you would like to buy it.” Similarly the era of blogs and youtube have cut through all the extras of beauty magazines (or “words” as they are called) and mostly delivers images. I applaud this step forward for humanity. This world is also populated by women who are “doing it themselves,” which means they spend their own time and money to show you all the different shades of a NARS lip crayon. Why? Well, what is the post-industrial age if not an impressive trick in which corporations get non-employees to do their labor for free?

Here is what I want from a 15 min. descent into the beauty/fashion internet: 1) voyeurism (I can’t believe you are putting this tutorial about how to cover a zit on Youtube!) 2) more money than I have (how in the world do you buy a whole new outfit every week!) 3) SKILLZ

Here are my favorites:

1. chelsea wears’ youtube channel

A true amateur. She actually seems to buy all this stuff herself.

2. Riches for Rags

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No words! Only images from fashion magazines, street style blogs and red carpets. How genius. It is like Pinterest if no one ever posted any images of affirmations.

3. Le Catch and Girls of a Certain Age

Okay this is a bit of a cheat. These blogs are run by women who are former fashion magazine editors. But that is also why they are so good.

4. Lisa Eldridge

Seriously, this is the best. She is also a professional real makeup artist. But if the patter of her British accent doesn’t sooth your anxieties, your problems are too big to be solved on the internet.

Child Development

Taking care of children is basically an excuse to hypothesize and test your theories of child-development. In the care and feeding of children we all get to have a PhD in Bullshit. So here are my most recent findings:

1. Children’s winter wear is less for warmth and more for padding.

2. Four year-olds are like 16th century Christians, they only can measure time in terms of High Holy Days (Christmas, their birthdays, their half-birthdays etc.)

3. Four year-olds are incapable of empathy, they will only do things in order to get something they want or avoid something they don’t want. This is also the definition of psychopaths.

(My sampling is mostly limited to four year-olds right now).

-D

Granola-or as close as I get to baking

Scented candles suck, but the perfume of toasted coconut, cinnamon and vanilla wafting through your apartment is excellent. I have recently become obsessed with making my own granola, and it is so easy I make a new batch about once a week. Here is my position on granola: my number one concern is less sugar, not less fat (making most store bought granola unworkable). I want almost a 1/1 ratio of oats to nuts/coconut flakes.

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So here is what I do:

3 cups oats (or quinoa flakes if you live with an insufferable no-grain person)

3 tablespoons coconut oil

3 tablespoons agave/honey/or maple syrup

1 tablespoon cinnamon

1 teaspoon vanilla

1/4 teaspoon salt

Mix these together and put evenly in a pan, bake at 350 for 5 minutes. Then, add:

2 cups coconut flakes (unsweetened)

1 cup nuts

Bake for another 5 minutes, toss it all around, and bake for 5 more minutes. Add some dried fruit at the end if you want.

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-D

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