National Most Important Day of The Year Day

Those of you who know me well already have heard about the year that I rented the cheapest motel room in town so that I could watch the Oscars. As I sat on the bed of that Motel 8, basking in the fumes of stale cigarettes and bleach, I realized this is how prostitution works.

This year I actually live with a TV and thus my Oscars experience was really excellent. Keeping the traditions of my family, I watch all of the arrivals (including the less famous people who have to come in two hours ahead of the telecast), I cry during the in memoriam, and I cheer very loudly when someone wins who was in an okay movie.

The Oscars are not:

about movies (even good ones only seem like a stale version of themselves when addressed during the Oscars)

about comedy (even funny hosts will be unfunny)

about “issues” (thinking about slavery or the AIDS epidemic through the prism of an acceptance speech is not good for anyone)

The Oscars are about:

Dresses

Celebrities displaying their “humanity”

Mass catharsis

So in the spirit of these revised expectations. Here were my best dressed:

PREGNANT LADIES WERE LOOKING GREAT!

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I love everything about this look: the color of her dress against her wine colored 90s mouth, the way it kind of looks like it could be a sheet that she picked up on the way out, the delicate non-platformed shoe. It all frames what is essentially a set piece for her gorgeous cheeks.

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This dress w/ baby was also smoke’n.

Next theme, STRUCTURE STRUCTURE STRUCTURE:

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There is a reason men look good in tuxes–there is so much tailoring and structure. This dress gives Glenn all the same benefits but also shows off her beautiful body. Also I love that the only skin she is showing is her armpit.

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It is a little unfortunate that his cape-dress was worn by someone I don’t care about, because personality + dress = narrative. Whereas famous man’s wife + dress = a kind of walking mute dress form. But capes are the best and I kind of love the idea of a pale pink cape dress because it is less obvious than a regal color.

Now the dress of the evening was of course Lupita’s, but this is a perfect example of dress + personality. Her narrative that night was so strong that the dress was almost overwhelmed by her actual movie role, amazing speech, and poise. I guess that’s a good thing. This dress was also a little overwhelmed by her own dress history–which is so great that it set an unfair bar.

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Now, the best dresses of the evening are always at the Vanity Fair party, but they don’t invite us to that party so I deduct 20 points automatically for all the dresses. But if they had the courage and sense of justice to air the Vanity Fair Party red carpet, Allison Williams  would have received a high score:

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The only thing I love as much as the Oscars is the endless slide shows of dresses organized by color and theme that come out the week after. Thanks for stepping up celebrities and momentarily drenching my eyes with sparkly diamonds and silky draping. I really appreciated it.

-D

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