How do I watch the Oscars without an actual TV that broadcasts live network channels? Well, I rent a hotel room. I’ve done it before and I’m doing it again. But instead of the incredibly sleezy motel room I used a couple of years ago, this year I’m upgrading to the Sheraton. At least I can use the hotel gym before the big event. And please don’t suggest I make a friend who has a tv, because . . . ugh.
But other than booking your hotel room, and setting up your snack nest, you really just need to see about ten movies in preparation for the ceremony. But that might be impossible at this point, so let me give you the cliff-notes:
- All the best picture noms are actually great movies . . . except for the Revenant. The Revenant and its star Leo are totally dumb and overrated (grunt, grunt, symbolism). And they are going to win everything. Here are all the great films that won’t win: Brooklyn (so delicious, who cares if its “important”?), Bridge of Spies (Spielberg! Good job. Make more of these and less War Horses), Spotlight (you should win, but you are too quiet, subtle, and dread-free to be an Oscar winner), Mad Max (you don’t need my help, but I love you, enjoy your money pile), Room (man I really did not want to see you, but I really really enjoyed myself. Weirdly this movie is deeply pleasurable and briskly plotted. And not soul crushing. Actually kind of spirit lifting. Too spirit lifting? Whatever Brie, you were great), and the Martian (enjoy your money pile as well! I enjoyed every second of your big dumb face). The Big Short is also great but it made us laugh, so it can’t win any awards. Also treat yourself to the amazing Best Case for Best Picture videos (Dana Stevens eating cake while walking and talking!).
- All the best actress movies are superb: Carol (I actually loved you slightly less than Far from Heaven, but Todd Haynes and his degree in semiotics from Brown can do no wrong). And Joy, man I loved you too. Joy is a train-wreck with a propulsive soapy heart but my heart is made of soap. And 45 Years! Objectively good, but man, if you are married, plan to marry, or have parents who are married, maybe you don’t need to subject yourself to this film.
- Most of the leading dude movies are stupid and I don’t care about this category.
- The only other category I really care about? Short live action. Yes you heard me. This is because my first boyfriend is the producer for one of the nominees which means that if I had made better life choices I could have gone to the Oscars. That’s right, it’s not just my poor choice of careers . . . I also gave up the Oscars. He’s cute right?-D